by Tracy Farr
If I only had a multitasking brain
Researchers have recently discovered that the human brain can only keep track of two tasks at a time, which is totally absurd because at this exact moment, not only am I thinking about what I'm about to type, and then typing it, but I'm also wondering where I put my tall glass of sweet iced tea, because I know I just had it and...
No...wait...I was just THINKING about making a tall glass of sweet iced tea, with lemon, if we have any, but I'm not sure. I'll check the fridge.
See, that's three things, isn't it? Now, where was I?
Oh yes. These brain researchers say our medial frontal cortex (whatever that is) divides so that each side can focus on a single task at the same time. Which again is totally ridiculous because I would think if our brains are up in our heads dividing all by themselves, we'd be able to feel something, or at least hear it. Not only that, but if they can divide once, shouldn't they be able to subdivide, and keep subdividing until we have our own little brainiac subdivisions, complete with condos, a golf course and free broadband internet?
I don’t know how I feel about my brain taking it upon itself to divide all by itself without even asking me first. That would be like my son taking his girlfriend to a movie without inviting me to tag along, even though he knew I really wanted to see that movie and would have probably sat in the back so as to not “cramp his style.”
That would be like my daughter deciding to have a boyfriend without me having a chance to check his credentials first; in fact, having a boyfriend for months and then announcing the fact when my mouth is full of pizza, thus muffling my screams, but increasing the chances of me choking to death.
That would be like my oldest son deciding to join the Navy, without even asking if I’d like to enlist with him. Okay, so he knows I’m partial to the Air Force and I might be a little over the age limit, but he at least could have asked. I like boats, and I would have signed up with him in a heartbeat!
Shouldn’t our brains and children have to consult with us first before they decide to divide or multiply? On second thought, maybe not.
According to a recent Associated Press article I was reading while driving my truck home and praying to heaven that I wouldn't get stopped by a cop or run into the back of the 18-wheeler I was following (that's three tasks, bucko!), one of the French researchers, Etienne Koechlin of the Universite Pierre et Marie Curie in Paris, said:
"What the results show is that we can readily divide tasking. We can cook, and at the same time talk on the phone, and switch back and forth between these two activities; however, we cannot multitask with more than two tasks."
And now we know the REAL reason why this study shows we can't multi-multi-task: It was written by the French. The French enjoy one thing at a time, relishing every moment, every nuance, every pungent body odor.
So, imagine yourself a Frenchman (or woman if you prefer), sitting by yourself in some non-touristy cafe, savoring a bottle of 1997 Monbazillac Controlée when along comes a foreigner (let's say, German), texting away on their cell phone, while ignoring the waiter, and then getting upset because the waiter won't wait like good waiters are supposed to, and when the waiter does comes back, the foreigner (no, not German -- Italian), is now talking on their cell phone, complaining about the service, and you can no longer relax with your wine because of the whine!
Oh yes, if I were that Frenchman (or woman, wearing a sundress and sandals, her hair pulled back to reveal her delicate cheek bones, her long legs stretched out and ... HOLY SHAGGY SHEEPDOG. She has more leg hair than I do!), if I were that Frenchman, I'd ... I'd...
I'm sorry, but I've got to stop this story right now. Just the THOUGHT of those hairy legs is making me want to gouge out my eyeballs.
They were right. The human brain can't handle extreme hairy legs on French women -- no, I mean multitasking...multitasking!
Excusez-moi. Où est la toilette?
--------------
Tracy Farr lives in East Texas with his wife, three children and some goats. To read more of his stories, visit his website at http://www.tracyfarr.net.