I'm Just a Guy

After careful thought, I’ve decided I’m going to get me some of that flu that’s going around. Not a lot, just enough to make me a bit discombobulated; maybe hallucinate a few clowns hiding in my closet, or maybe not because that sounds really creepy.

Of course, I would never take more than my fair share of the flu. I wouldn’t want to hog it all. But since everybody seems to be getting it these days, I hate the thought of being left out.

When I was younger, I never had any pet rocks or mood rings or hoola-hoops, but I did have a big crush on Marsha of “The Brady Bunch.” Those other things were just fads, but my love for her was real (Oh, lovely Marsha, wherefore art thou? My heart aches for you, and my back, and my knees, and I’m getting a bit of a headache. Maybe I should check my temperature, lie down and drink plenty of liquids. But I will return. Oh, lovely Marsha, I will return...but I really don’t feel well right now. Maybe next week.)

Anyways, I never really got all Lady Gaga about those other fads, but this flu thing seems like something I might want to look into. Except for the snot, fever and possible chance of lapsing into a coma and going to meet my Maker long before I’ve had a chance to pay off my credit card bills, having the flu and missing a few days of work is almost like having a Snow Day.

(To Whom It May Concern: If I die this week from tempting fate with a not-so-funny illness, I would like my epitaph to read, “He went to go live in the House of the Lord, because, frankly, he used up his welcome down here.”)

But getting back to the subject at hand: I had the flu several years ago – just your plain-Jane generic kind, not one of these fancy, smancy designer flus – and all I remember from the experience was that I was very shaky, extremely hot but shivery, and for two days I had the entire house to myself. Other than that, and also having visions of Marsha Brady dancing inside my head, my memory is a complete blank.

I guess the reason I’ve brought up this entire subject is because my little girl came home with the flu the other day and the doctor said she needed to stay home for a week. An entire week! Do you know what I could accomplish by staying home from work for an entire week? With the house all to myself? That’s right – ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

Everybody feels sorry for you when you have the flu. And if I had it (again, a wee portion of it, not the full shebang – although I’d ham it up to make people THINK it was a full-blown case), if I had the flu, nobody would DARE ask me to take out the trash, do the dishes, fold the clothes, mow the yard, or a thousand other little chores that probably should get done while I’m home all alone, but I ain’t gonna do them because I’m sick. I’ve got the flu, and don’t even ask me. Don’t you have any pity for me at all?

What I WOULD do is call a satellite TV company and get a 150-channel premium subscription that includes HBO, Showtime, NASCAR and The Fishing Channel for only $79.99 a month (for the first week, after signing a 5-year contract, and then $1,099.99 a month after that for the rest of my life, no matter how bad the reception) because staying home all week without TV would really stink.

“You mean to tell me that we’ve been living without television all this time because satellite is ‘too expensive and there’s nothing good on anyway,’ but as soon as YOU get a little bug and have to stay home, YOU put the satellite TV company on your speed dial and expect me to be happy about it? Listen, mister, you don’t have the flu now, you’re so ornery you probably won’t get it in the future, so you better call and get us some TV this weekend, because I’m missing ‘Dancing With The Stars,’ and that makes me cranky! Do ya hear? Mighty Cranky!”

I have no idea where that quote came from. But if you’ll excuse me, I have some phone numbers to look up.

Tracy Farr is a teacher living in East Texas and drives a school bus for the fun of it. In his spare time he plays the banjo, but never on Thursdays. You can reach him at tracyfarr@stinkycreektexas.com or read more of his stories at www.stinkycreektexas.com.