The Necessity of Confrontation
After you have thought about all the ways confrontation can go wrong and asked yourself all the pertinent questions and recognized the risk involved, you may begin to think that 
confrontation is simply not worth it. Wrong.
Confrontation is necessary. It is even unavoidable. Despite all the difficulty and risk it is one of the basic dynamics of life that we cannot avoid.
If we do not stand up for what is right, evil takes over. If we neglect our responsibility to correct dependents (students, children, aged parents, etc.) God has placed in our path we will pay for our negligence in this world as well as the next. Not to mention the fact that if we don’t stand up for our own rights we may be guilty of sin because we have willingly allowed another to sin against us and thereby participated in their evil! If we do not help others sharpen their character, our lack of passion leaves them to struggle alone and makes room for Satan’s attack. If we are so fearful disapproval or the loss of relationship that we refuse to challenge another when it is needed, we are guilty of elevating that person to the position of being our idol. We must fear no one but God alone. The list could go on. But the bottom line is for us to be what God calls us to be and make every effort to help others reach that same goal. If we love Eeyore and want to act as a friend, appropriate confrontation is a must.
Whether we are on the giving end or the receiving, being corrected almost always hurts. We may know in our heads that we are not perfect, but having someone point out exactly where those flaws are located is never pleasant. How amazing that something so painful, is also a true mark of faithful friendship.
King Solomon was reportedly the wisest man who ever lived. But, if you follow his story, it is evident that he was far better at giving wise advise than bringing his personal behavior into line. Maybe his story would have been different if he’d had an honest friend like the one who corrected his father, David.
Even though Solomon never corrected his own behavior, he was wise enough to see the value of having a friend with enough courage to tell you hard truths. He wrote in Proverbs 27:6 that a true and faithful friend will occasionally deliver a wound if doing so will put you back on the right track. A friend will not be so fearful of your disapproval that they let you walk of cleft and say nothing.
The real question is not whether we should confront another but how we should do it. On this point the God did not leave us twisting in the wind, but gave clear directions in several Bible passages.
However, for this chapter I want to center on only one principle of confrontation. This is another of those jewels left to us by Solomon. The statement is simple and brief, but holds enough power to keep any confrontation on track and assures the best results possible.
Solomon said in Proverbs 25:11, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” If we want our effort at confrontation to have the best possibility of success, we must speak with words that are apt (pertinent, suitable, right) and place these suitable words in specifics, well thought out settings (situation, scenery, surroundings).
Choosing Golden Words
The first step in successful confrontation is to determine exactly what you want to say. That should be a no-brainer. Unfortunately, when it comes to confrontation humans often lead with the emotions while the brain is relegated to the position of caboose.
This leading-with-the-heart approach usually results in a discussion that degenerates into what I refer to as a moving-target argument. As mentioned before, putting someone on the defensive by changing the subject is a favored way of avoiding personal change. When Joe tells Mary that she shouldn’t spend so much money eating out, Mary can avoid a discussion of the issue by diverting the subject to Joe’s reluctance to ask his boss for a raise.
When preparing to confront, you should be able to put your request in no more than three sentences. The fewer words you have to remember while under fire, the more likely you will be able to stay on the central issue. I very much encourage writing out these sentences. Don’t want to write? Then at least rehearse the golden words in your mind until you can say them in your sleep.
A good pattern for sentence one is to assure the person of your love and loyalty. Mary, I know how hard it is for you to teach all day then come home to the demands of a house and hungry family. Second sentence; state exactly what the problem is. However, I kept track last week, and if we continue we will have spent $3,000 on restaurant food by the end of the year. Last, state exactly what changes you want to see made. If you’ll agree to cook every night for a month, I will baby-sit each Saturday so you can buy groceries in peace and we will all have a nice meal out on the 15 th.
I deliberately chose a simple situation for the purpose of example, but you get the idea. Be direct, be specific and clearly give your suggestion for change. And, while you are at it, there are two other good rules to remember: When possible, use I feel statements rather than ones that begin with you should and put your request in the context of behavior rather than bad character.
People do possess bad character and rotten attitudes, but it is best to avoid mentioning these during a confrontation. In the previous example you will note that Joe could have used words like selfish, lazy, spendthrift and stupid, but he didn’t. He remained on target identifying a behavior he had observed and stating why that behavior needed to change.
Sometimes, a fourth sentence needs to be added to a statement of confrontation. This sentence is not about Eeyore. It’s about you. Sometimes it is necessary to tell Eeyore exactly what you intend to do if he or she refuses to change. This part of confrontation requires the most forethought and courage. It is not a time for empty threats or emotional outburst. This sentence reads: If you don’t __________, then I will _______________.
Unfortunately, this is the step that is often lacking when serious confrontations are underway. People don’t think ahead and they end up saying dumb things like: If you don’t bring up your grades, I’ll ground you for the next six months. (Highly unlikely to be enforced.) If you don’t quit drinking, I’ll die. (No, you won’t.) If you don’t start helping out more around the house, I’ll beat you within an inch of your life. (Illegal.) If you don’t stick to the budget, I’ll go out and buy that new car I’ve been wanting. (Stupid.) If you won’t loose weight on your own, I’ll make you. (Impossible.)
There are many times when closing a confrontation with a warning about your future intent is appropriate and even necessary. But, by all means, think about what you are saying. Choose realistic options you have the power and willingness to carry out and never threaten something you are unwilling or unable to do.
In most cases there are action that you can choose over which Eeyore has no control. These options may inconvenience or even hurt you, but they may be necessary all the same. This is especially true if you are confronting Eeyore about a behavior that is life threatening. Examples: sending a teen to live with their natural father if they refuse to quit skipping school or separating from a mate who refuses to face their drug addition.
Framing It In Silver
Before someone can listen, you must have his or her attention. When you want the attention of Eeyore, you will probably have to capture it on the fly. Eeyore’s attention floats from first one flaw to the next with little time lapse between. So, if you want him to listen, you need to pick a time when as much as possible is “right” with his world. Otherwise, your message will be lost. His preoccupation with the next problem on the list will derail the issue and get you off subject before you even begin.
I know, your Eeyore is constantly generating his own clouds, but still, there will be times and seasons when he is more open to conversation and less distracted by things that need fixing.
You have had time to observe your Eeyore. What are the places, times of day and conditions when he is least distracted by problems?
Personally, I don’t do morning. I even suggest this characteristic is pietistic. After all, Lucifer is called “son of the morning.” Others believe that God created the morning specifically to rejuvenate them personally and feel lost all day if they don’t see the sunrise. Amazing. Another bad time for me is when I finish work. I need time to reorient without being pressured for answers or conversation. I figure there will be enough time for answers and conversation. Later . . .after my nap.
Your Eeyore has biorhythms and places where he feels more secure. Use these to your advantage. God approves. Honest. If you want Eeyore to hear something important, make sure you find a highly polished “setting of silver” to encase the message.
Meeting at a restaurant may be a good choice. Most folks are more receptive when their belly is full. There are still a few restaurants left with somewhat pleasant music and without the omnipresent TV. Find one.
It may be that your particular Eeyore is most receptive in his or her own home. Eeyore may live with you or across town, but wherever “home” is, it could become a good setting for your golden words.
Whatever the setting, it is a good idea to have your own transportation close by. This is especially important if you are confronting a really big or emotionally charged issue. People often need time to work through the emotion of your challenge. Allow that time with grace and never let a confrontation drag on for an extended time. The risk of slipping off the issue is too great. Keep going back to your golden words that have been memorized and rehearsed. Sick with those words until you either get an answer or a commitment of when an answer will be given. If no progress at all is being made, suggest that the matter be taken up again at another time and exit.
The physical setting and time of day are important. But there are other, more subtle aspects that add luster to your setting of silver. One of the most influential of these is your personal mood. It is easy to confront someone when your anger is hot and the situation desperate. It is quite another thing to coolly think through what needs to be said, figure out the place and time to say it then deliver the message with a loving attitude. Three things that help assure a cool, calculated approach are time, rehearsal and prayer.
Pick the time, don’t let the time pick you. Never confront when the situation is right on top of you. Wait until later when the storm has passed and shifting emotions are not driving you. If you have to, literally bit your tongue and physically move away from the situation. When emotions are in the drivers seat, there is little room for the brain to take the wheel.
Rehearse what you need to say. Then edit, minimize and rehearse again. Every time you think through the words and imagine possible outcomes, you reduce the emotional charge the situation carries. The less driven by emotion you can become, the less likely Eeyore will be able to use your emotional state as an excuse for not dealing with your challenge.
Through it all, your most power weapon for keeping your cool is prayer, both your personal prayer and that of likeminded individuals who are willing to be a spiritual support. “There are more things wrought by prayer than this world has dreamed” is a famous saying that still applies today. God hasn’t changed. He can still take an old donkey and turn him completely around.
Above all, your setting of silver should glow with the polish of genuine love. We are specifically told that love is a prerequisite when we have to speak words of correction. Start off by stating your love. Be prepared to give an example from the past of your loving actions. Love always seeks the best for the beloved, so share with Eeyore why you believe a positive response to your challenge will improve his life. Close with a reassurance of your love.
You may not be able to convince Eeyore that your challenge is coming from a heart of love and intended for his good, but you will have clean conscious knowing that you did your best from right motives. That knowledge is priceless. Especially if the results are not what you desired and the whole situation goes South.
Colossians 3:16; Romans 15:14; II Timothy 3:15