Caring for Kids

An Accredited Organization of Parents Anonymous ® Inc.

by Imelda Tatsch

Grandparents

September is the month we celebrate Grandparents day. If you were fortunate enough to grow up with a cookie-baking-anything-goes-at-grandma’s-house grandparent you are one of the lucky ones. Many people have wonderful memories of visiting grandparents over the holidays or a few weeks in the summer.

For grandparents it was the best of situations. Their sole job now is to love on spoil and sugar-up those precious little can-do-no-wrong babies and then send them back home to mom and dad. My daughter once told me it takes three days to get their boys back into routine after they have spent a few days at our house. My answer to that was, "Then don’t ask us to watch them."

She never mentioned it again.

The role of the grandparent has changed dramatically in recent years. Statistics tell us that 6 million children (1in 12) children are living in households headed by grandparents. I feel blessed and love all 6 of my grandchildren more than life itself, but I do not want to raise them. How does this happen that the population of parents raising their children’s children has reached such astronomical proportions?

I recently attended the funeral for the daughter of a very good friend. This young woman left behind 5 children ranging in age from 4 to 16. Upon hearing of his daughter’s death, my friend immediately, without question, began making preparations to take in these children. There is likely to be custody battles as he plans to fight to keep them together.

It is amazing what parents will do for their children. When we are young and starting our families we think our responsibility will begin when we bring them home and end when they leave the nest. We spend those early years working and making time for school plays, sporting events, recitals etc. In our future plans we will slow down and let them take over that job.

Now, many are starting the entire parenting process over again. As we see on a regular basis, moms and dads get off track somewhere. Drugs and alcohol take over, incarceration or, as in my friends’ case, death. The kids are caught in the middle. They still need a safe stable environment, so grandparents and a growing number of great grandparents step in.

Sounds like it would be an easy transition after all the grand parents have been through this parenting process, should be easy right? It is not the same though, too much has changed. These grandparents are now 50 years-plus and facing the natural issues that come with aging. The children are facing the loss of their home and parent. The discipline that may have worked years ago will not work with today’s kids. The situations our children face today are not the same as what our children faced 20-30 years ago. It is a relearning process for all concerned.

An article from AARP Grandparents newsletter featured a story about a set of grandparents who are raising 6 of their grandchildren. The children range in age from 2 to 11. The grandfather was quoted saying ” A lot of people may not understand this statement, and my wife doesn’t like me saying it, but I don’t really want these children, not because I don’t love them, but because this is not what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a grandfather. But I have to do what I have to do. It actually means giving up our lives.”

What he says sounds harsh, but he probably voices the feelings of many. Fortunately there are resources now for grands who are facing similar situations; one of the best on the internet is www.aarp.org/grandparents .

At Caring for Kids we hear from grandparents on a regular basis who are looking for resources and help in general. In response to this growing need in our community, we now offer ongoing support for grandparents. We have a safe comfortable place to meet and talk with others facing the same challenges. If you are interested in meeting with us please call 903-629-2114 and ask about the Grandparent Support Team.

If you see yourself in this letter, bless you. It's tough, but what you are doing will be worth it for those children. If you are not in this position right now, chances are you know someone who is. Let them know how special they are and most importantly they are not alone.

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Imelda Tatsch is the Program Director at the Northeast Texas Child Advocacy Center (NETCAC) located in Winnsboro, and her columns appear in their bi-monthly newsletter. In "Caring for Kids" she offers support, insight, and a touch of humor for parents and grandparents. She is a trained facilitator for parenting classes.

She will be happy to answer questions about parenting and family relationships. You can e-mail her with your questions.